After a three-year hiatus, the movie review site nobody ever read or had even heard of is making a comeback, with new and improved and innovative features like the Five Point Review, which probably isn’t any of those things I just said, but is an easy way to review a movie without doing a lot of tedious writing and thinking.

The idea here is to provide succinct yet descriptive reviews, so that a reader can quickly and easily decide whether he or she might be interested in seeing a particular film without having to trudge through some pretentious critic’s nauseating, self-aggrandizing horse shit, written more with an eye toward showing you how much they know about film than telling you whether the movie sucks.