Obviously there haven’t yet been enough Sherlock Holmes adaptations. The world desperately needed a new one, with Robert Downey Jr. as the star. Here are five points about this most recent effort.

1) For some inexplicable reason the writers have re-imagined Holmes as a filthy drunk instead of Doyle’s prim-and-proper but typically coked-out sleuth; the result is something like a bleary-eyed CSI operative with a phony British accent running around Victorian London.

2) Watson, rather than being a competent medical doctor and inferior detective, appears to have deductive reasoning skills that rival Holmes’s own, causing us to ask: to whom is Holmes going to explain that this is all elementary (we realize that quip is not actual Doyle, but it’s closer to canon than most of the other stuff in this film)? Or, worse, who needs Holmes if Watson is such a stud?

3) Three words: Michael Bay Explosions! No, seriously. Oh, and rapid-fire, ADD-inducing editing during fight scenes, which seem downright out of place. Truly, Guy Ritchie is to directing movies as Simon Ritchie was to playing bass.

4) The “evil symbol” in Lord Blackwood’s grimoire thing which Holmes later (sort of) draws on the floor during some weird ritual which is never really explained, looks suspiciously like the Sigil of Baphomet. The Sigil of Baphomet which was originally drawn up around 1968. Why is this important? It isn’t. It’s just stupid.

5) There’s a mystery here? Are you sure? Well…what is it? I know who the bad guy is, they gave that away in the first ten minutes. What do you mean he came back from the dead!? How’d he get out of the tomb? He pasted the door together with honey!? That’s just ridiculous, I don’t believe you. What do you mean he has a nefarious plot to take over the world? Shut up and pass the popcorn.